Open Letter

Dear Evie,

I have not forgotten you. I promise that is something I will never do. It's just that mommy has had to build a wall for herself to keep her from falling apart. My world without you is too dark sometimes. Since you left, I have tried. I swear I tried really hard. I felt like I was doing a good job for awhile. I brought your name into the world, I shared your story. I thought of you each day, and honored you by seeing all the beauty around me.  I spoke with other angel mothers, and I thought of you all playing together in the clouds. I wrote you letters, I smiled at the thought of you. I really thought I had figured it out. I don't know where I lost it, baby girl. I'm so sorry. The new dawn that felt like it was rising set too quickly. The shadows crept in, and I don't know exactly when or how, but my world turned black. I was suffocating. I was dying. And now, I can't see the beauty. I feel like a shade has been drawn over my eyes, and I can't see past the darkness. Everything is jaded. How can I bring your name into a world so dark? How can I think of you and continue to breath? I can't. I'm so sorry. I needed a shield, a mask, anything. So, I took it. I turn the volume up, I fill my vision, I drown my thoughts. I erase my memories. I block out any feeling. Right now, all I do is survive. And cry. Survive and cry, repeat. I wish I could think of you. I wish I could talk about you. In my heart, I know I'm failing. I know I'm being a terrible mother. I know you deserve better. I know I'm letting you down. I'm so sorry. The only thing I can hold on to is that someday, maybe, I'll be better. I'll feel better. I'll feel strong. I'll sing your name from mountaintops. I'll carry your photo with me. I'll laugh at the memory of your sassy side eye. I'll smile at butterflies that carry your soul. I really hope that will happen. I don't know when or where I lost it. I wish I was a better mom. I wish I was better at everything. I wish I wasn't myself. I wish I was a better version of myself. I'm sorry you are not being honored the way you deserve. Please know you deserve better, please know that I wish I could give that to you. I feel so guilty all of the time. I love you so much. The world is just so hard without you. I dream of an alternate world where you are here and everything is wonderful. Why couldn't we have had that? Why do I have to wait so long to be with you again? What is the point of all of this? I don't know what else to say, sweetie, except that I'm so sorry. You are my world. I love you so much. Please, please know that I haven't forgotten about you. I love you.

Mommy