Grief Feels Guilty...

Guilty

Grief feels guilty…

Everything you do and feel is wrong.

It feels like something inside of you,

Constantly nagging at your heart and mind.

Pulling at everything connecting you,

So you can’t deny its powerful presence.

Grief shows you guilt in new ways,

In new levels and depths every day.

You struggle with the before guilt,

While the after guilt hits you like a wave.

Grief guilt is nasty and cruel,

Using your brain and memories to trick your heart.

Guilt teases you with a sense of regret,

Even for things you know you couldn’t change.

A regret that feels like longing,

As if enough suffering will change the course.

Floods of choices you made come rushing back,

Transforming in your mind from choices to mistakes.

Wondering if you did enough,

I was there for her, right?

The before guilt of things that have passed,

Compounds with the after guilt of those that have not.

Nearly every aspect of life has a tinge of guilt,

For not doing enough or not feeling enough.

There are moments where you get a glimpse,

Of joy that only really feels like a dream now.

But these are tainted by the crashing guilt,

Of continuing this life that shouldn’t be.

The path back and the path forward,

Feel entwined with this feeling of wrongfulness.

Grief feels guilty,

Like you will be paying the price for the rest of your life.