Let's Talk About Grief

Let's Talk About Grief

Written 03.14.20

Let's talk about grief. It doesn't necessarily have a stigma, but it does have this rot of wall around it. A kind of wall of silence or loneliness. I think this is mostly a result of peoples' discomfort with death, which I completely understand and relate to.

Nobody wants to sit and talk about death, because nobody wants to sit and think about death. Many people are willing to, but it feels uncomfortable and awkward to put people in that position. Nobody knows what to say, because there is nothing to say. I feel like I'm putting such a burden on anyone I talk to. I can feel the tension. I feel like I need to console them, so most of the time, it feels easier on everyone to just not talk about it. That is why grief can feel so lonely.

Because really, "How am I?" I'm terrible, awful, horrible. My heart is literally broken, so I feel a pain and tightness in my chest all day. My stomach hurts all of the time. I get anxious stomach aches before the anxious thoughts have even formed. I feel such an emptiness, and such a yearning to hold Evelyn again. It hurts so bad. It hurts physically and it hurts emotionally.

My mind is in a deep denial and bargaining phase. I can't shut out the last hours of decision making before her passing, and I can't escape the "what ifs". My mind is playing tricks on me, which makes me hold on to some irrational sense of hope, along with such painful feelings of guilt and failure. Why couldn't I have saved her? I just can't fully accept that Evie is gone and that I won't somehow have her back.

Every single thing reminds me of Evelyn. The space next to my bed meant for your bassinet. The room with the closed door that hurts too much to go in. This house and yard that we got for you, that feels so empty now. The pink cherry blossoms outside that began to bloom right around when you did. Everywhere I look and every thought I have seems to connect to you. Everything is Evelyn.

It feels cruel and harsh that the world continues to move forward, when we feel so stuck in time. Without Evie, the world for us seemed to stop. It hurts to see everyone else moving forward and on with their lives, not that I blame them. It just seems so strange and wrong.

I'm angry at everything and how things turned out. I'm angry at how unfair this world can be. All of my faith and beliefs are being challenged, and it makes me feel very lost.

Grief is scary and lonely. Grief is confusing and painful. Grief is not a straight line, and it is not a quick journey. It feels like a deep hole, and even when you feel like you might be climbing up, you keep slipping back down and you can't see any light at the top. Grief is uncomfortable. But, it is very real.

So, let's talk about grief. 💟